/ Humor

Weirdness returns

Lately, when people ask me what’s going on in my life, I really haven’t had a lot to say. If you’ve been reading this blog since I started it last year, and the extremely infrequent updates it has had during this calendar year, then you know exactly how uneventful my life has really been. No new crazy people, no weird situations, no random thoughts… nothing.

While this blog entry won’t really dispel the drought of bizarre, it will at least provide a bit of moisture. The characters are all the same, the situation is fairly routine and my thoughts on it are really nothing more than a mild amusement. Still, its the best I’ve got right now, so you’ll just have to make due with this as it is.

Yesterday happened to be a relatively bad day for, especially in light of the post I made regarding how great the prior Friday had been. It started off by my father calling me to remind me of a few items which had slipped my mind: my mother’s birthday the prior day, my niece’s birthday that day, and the collective birthday party for my mom, both nieces and my youngest nephew that evening. He even had to remind me that we were in the month of July now as somehow I had missed that date change. To make matters more ironic, my father gives us a calendar every Christmas with all of the birthdays clearly marked on it. Probably would have helped had I changed the page from June to July, but that wasn’t a lot of help at the moment.

The one good thing was that my sister and I were collaborating on my mother’s gift, so at least I didn’t forget to get her something… but given how late my sister was in ordering said gift, it had yet to arrives. Still, not all bad there.

So, I leave work and head to my sister’s house, the site of the party. Of course, the moment I enter the door, I’m hounded by kids asking for presents, of which I have none to give them. Bad uncle, yes, I know. Were dinner not scheduled to start at a time that is just barely possible for me to arrive, I would have stopped and done drive-by shopping, but that just wasn’t an option given the time schedule.

Everything is fine as my mother has given the kids their gifts from she and my dad. I’m now chopped liver, of course, as I’m the only one who isn’t distributing gifts. Not to worry though, as when I do get them gifts later on, I’ll get the best uncle in the world award without anyone else there to shoe in on the action! :)

I say happy birthday to them all, stand around and talk and eventually we eat dinner. On the menu for the evening is tacos, both of the hard and soft shelled varieties. My eldest nephew saw this as an opportunity to once again prove why he will never be a mechanical engineer. I caught him with a clean plate, pushed to the side, a soft taco shell sitting on the table surface and the bowl of meat in his lap, trying to figure out exactly how to get the meat out of the bowl without spilling any on himself or the floor. Sigh. I then proceed to explain to him that will not work and the correct way in which to make a taco. 2 minutes later, we finally get plate in front of him, taco on plate, meat on taco and bowl back on the table. The entire time he had a blank look on his face as if the whole process was a total loss. At least he ate well. Eventually.

So dinner is over, the table cleared, and now its time for cake. There are 3 cakes: white, chocolate and lemon. The first two are miniature cakes that are store purchased and the lemon cake is a pound cake my sister had made the prior day. I get the cakes and place them on the table, while my sister gathers the candles and puts them on the cakes. As everyone is watching my sister and the candles, I notice my youngest nephew’s face is a bit too close to the lemon cake, but i can’t exactly see what’s going on as arms are moving in between he and I. For a moment, it looks like he’s licking the cake. I ask him to back away from the cake, thinking it only prudent, although I didn’t actually see him with his tongue out. The rest of the adults at the table took note of my warning and it was a good thing they did.

The next thing I know, his head is back at the cake, tongue out and reaching. Four hands shoot out, all with fingers pointing toward his head. At the same time, four mouths utter “NO!!!” at extreme volume. Now, to a 5 year old who just got away with licking the cake a few moments ago, this was seemingly traumatic, as he starts crying and runs upstairs. If you don’t lick the cake, you don’t get yelled at. Its not like he wasn’t warned.

Dessert is complete and we all remain at the table talking. Typical gathering for my family, and probably typical for most people’s family, too. For some reason, my eldest niece decides that she’s going to come over and hop up in my lap. This is a strange happening, as she usually avoids these types of situations out of a rightful fear that I will tickle her. I will. It amuses me, what can I say? I am just that mean. >:)

After a few quick tickles, the entire table is laughing as they watch her try and wiggle away. It is at this point where every relative at the table begins asking for me to, “give her birthday spankings and stick her under the bed!” now, the first part of that quote you all probably understand, but the second portion might need a bit of explaining.

For some reason lost in time, a family from my home town had a much different birthday tradition. Instead of spanking their children, they shoved the kid (and occasionally an adult) under the bed. The whole concept seems a bit odd to me, but then again, so does spanking a kid on their birthday, but such is life. I figure, since there is such a large request for me to stick the child under the bed, I’d do it. Yeah, mistake. I got one of her legs under the bed and the water works started. Yes, I’m double mean as I just made an 8 year old cry on her birthday.

Know what’s worse? On her 5th birthday, I made her cry 3 times. Triple mean!

So, I pick the little baby back up and deposit her in her mother’s awaiting arms. I make them cry, but it is not my problem when they do. That’s when mommy takes over. Eventually the water works wind down, and while uncle is not really forgiven, he is at least not shunned.

The birthday excitement over, I leave the party and somehow wind up across the street at the neighbor’s house. Wes and Lisa, along with their 16 year old daughter, Olivia, are sitting out in their driveway as they do every evening. I decide to pay them a short visit which turns into an hour long conversation. The standard jokes are made… where is my wife? when am i getting married? Yes, Wes, I’ve heard them all before.

The last amusing moment came as I was getting ready to leave. Emily, the 18 year old daughter, had been helping Olivia with some geography homework, back when school was still in session. Olivia was to label on a map, all of the major seas in the world. So, to help quiz Olivia, Emily was reading off the names of all the seas. The last name that Emily called was “Celibacy” and Olivia was totally lost as to why her parents and older sister were laughing so hard.

Well, the joke turned out to be on the elder members of the family as Emily was right and there really is a “Celebes Sea”. Don’t believe me? Check it out!

Weirdness returns
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